ROGER HORTON: Are you tired, bloated, pimply and constantly self-conscious?
WOMAN: Uh … I don’t know. Am I?
HORTON: Do you feel weighed down by all the toxins and excess weight that your body’s carrying?
WOMAN: I guess I hadn’t really thought about that.
ROGER: Hi. I’m Roger, and yes, I think you have thought about it, which is why you should try Horton’s Drinkable Salad Detox Cleanse.
TITLE CARD: If Juice Cleanse Ads Were Honest
ROGER: I’m sure you’ve heard about us. We’ve placed sponsored ads all over your social media feeds and pay celebrities to post pictures of themselves enjoying our product. The intention is to make you believe that our drinkable salads are the key to real happiness. It’s pretty simple: You’ll agree to stop feeding yourself food for some amount of time, and in exchange you’ll pay exorbitant amounts of money for a bunch of different juices for every meal.
WOMAN: [drinking juice] Oh – oh, it tastes like, like spicy grass.
ROGER: Many people believe that detox cleansing leads to improved mood, better digestion, clearer skin, weight loss and a general sense of well-being. But you know, many people believe all kinds of things; that doesn’t make it true. And you definitely won’t experience any of these benefits while you’re cleansing. That’s because depriving yourself of food will cause you to be a train wreck. The surge in sugar you’re consuming will lead to wild emotional vacillations, and for you regular coffee drinkers out there, the sudden deprivation of caffeine is going to feel like quitting smoking, with all the irritability that implies.
WOMAN: There’s kale in this? Kale was never supposed to be a thing that you drink. It should barely be a thing that you eat.
ROGER: Honestly, the whole idea of detox is pretty misleading. Our bodies naturally detox themselves; that’s what our kidneys, liver, lungs and skin or for. But hey, everyone else is doing it, so it’s worth a shot.
For just a significant amount of money, you’ll receive a variety of drinkable salads composed of pre-masticated vegetables and mashed-up fruit packaged in non-eco-friendly containers. And you can trust me when I say they taste totally fine. Imagine celery and apples that you can drink for breakfast. Do you like roasted chicken, mashed potatoes and a small salad? Well, now imagine drinking beets mixed with some nuts instead of that. Plus some tasty alkaline water! I don’t remember why we call it that, or what it’s supposed to do, or if it does what it’s supposed to do, but it’s six to nine dollars a bottle.
WOMAN: Jesus-[fuckin’]-Christ!
ROGER: Each bottle of Horton’s Drinkable Salad contains four to eight servings of produce, which is obviously way too much, but the process of juicing removes all its insoluble fiber, so it won’t feel like you’ve consumed anything.
WOMAN: But what is the pos—
ROGER: Ah! I know exactly what you’re going to ask: What’s the possibility that I’m going to be shitting water constantly?
WOMAN: I wasn’t.
ROGER: High. It’s very high. It’s almost a certainty.
WOMAN: I was going to ask what the positive side was, but that seems less important right now. [rushes off-screen]
ROGER: Oh, speaking of less, that brings me to the amount of nutritional value our blended fruit-and-vegetable Slurpees provide: Less. Less than you’re used to. Also, you’ll experience breakouts, body aches, flatulence, bloating, constipation and/or diarrhea and deep body aches, so I wouldn’t recommend going to work or attending any social engagements.
WOMAN: [off-screen] Way ahead of you.
ROGER: However, if you can tough it out ’til day three of your voluntary poop torture, you might experience feelings of euphoria and heightened senses. Our certified nutritionist says that this is a natural byproduct of the detoxification process, but I’m pretty sure it’s just that you’re literally starving to death, because our drinkable salad detox cleanse brings your caloric intake down to under a thousand calories a day, which sends you into starvation mode.
Oh – starvation mode is when your body shuts down in order to preserve calories and fat stores, burning muscle mass instead. Don’t worry: Our cleanse floods your body with diuretics, so you’ll still lose weight; it’ll just be water weight and you’ll most likely gain it back as soon as you eat a real meal.
WOMAN: Oh, I can’t wait to have a real meal again. I’m gonna get a big ol’ [fuck]-off cheeseburger and just murder it!
ROGER: Be careful when reintroducing food into your diet. Severe calorie restriction can permanently slow down your metabolism, so you may just need to eat less calories in general. Plus, reintroducing solid foods immediately after consuming nothing but liquids? That’s what we call a bowel game-changer.
WOMAN: What?
ROGER: One more word of caution: Since you’re going to be peeing and [shitting] just so much water, you’ll likely become quite dehydrated. Essentially, you’re buying dysentery! But our dysentery comes in pretty colors with cool, Instagram-able packaging. So that’s neat.
[to woman] Want me to get a picture of you drinking it?
[snaps phone photo of now-haggard-looking woman drinking juice cleanse]
ROGER: Gorgeous. #LivingMyBestLife #JuiceLife #BeachBod #OneDayDownFiveToGo.
WOMAN: [fuck]ing five?
ROGER: So if you’re ready to be successful, beautiful, desired and toxin-free, try Horton’s Drinkable Salad Detox Cleanse. It isn’t easy, but if you want to be loved and live a long, fulfilling life with a trim waistline and glowing skin, stop being a baby and suck it up.
[Woman desperately drinks juice cleanse.]
ROGER: Oh, thattagirl. Get them likes!