Cleanses are bogus no matter where they go

It’s mostly politics on this blog, but scientific skepticism (that’s skepticism informed by science, not skepticism of science) and critical thinking are one of the things that got me into blogging in the first place. So here are a couple humorous debunkings of common bullshit, specifically these “cleanses” everyone’s annoying New-Agey relative goes on about:

Transcript:

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ROGER HORTON: Are you tired, bloated, pimply and constantly self-conscious?

WOMAN: Uh … I don’t know. Am I?

HORTON: Do you feel weighed down by all the toxins and excess weight that your body’s carrying?

WOMAN: I guess I hadn’t really thought about that.

ROGER: Hi. I’m Roger, and yes, I think you have thought about it, which is why you should try Horton’s Drinkable Salad Detox Cleanse.

TITLE CARD: If Juice Cleanse Ads Were Honest

ROGER: I’m sure you’ve heard about us. We’ve placed sponsored ads all over your social media feeds and pay celebrities to post pictures of themselves enjoying our product. The intention is to make you believe that our drinkable salads are the key to real happiness. It’s pretty simple: You’ll agree to stop feeding yourself food for some amount of time, and in exchange you’ll pay exorbitant amounts of money for a bunch of different juices for every meal.

WOMAN: [drinking juice] Oh – oh, it tastes like, like spicy grass.

ROGER: Many people believe that detox cleansing leads to improved mood, better digestion, clearer skin, weight loss and a general sense of well-being. But you know, many people believe all kinds of things; that doesn’t make it true. And you definitely won’t experience any of these benefits while you’re cleansing. That’s because depriving yourself of food will cause you to be a train wreck. The surge in sugar you’re consuming will lead to wild emotional vacillations, and for you regular coffee drinkers out there, the sudden deprivation of caffeine is going to feel like quitting smoking, with all the irritability that implies.

WOMAN: There’s kale in this? Kale was never supposed to be a thing that you drink. It should barely be a thing that you eat.

ROGER: Honestly, the whole idea of detox is pretty misleading. Our bodies naturally detox themselves; that’s what our kidneys, liver, lungs and skin or for. But hey, everyone else is doing it, so it’s worth a shot.

For just a significant amount of money, you’ll receive a variety of drinkable salads composed of pre-masticated vegetables and mashed-up fruit packaged in non-eco-friendly containers. And you can trust me when I say they taste totally fine. Imagine celery and apples that you can drink for breakfast. Do you like roasted chicken, mashed potatoes and a small salad? Well, now imagine drinking beets mixed with some nuts instead of that. Plus some tasty alkaline water! I don’t remember why we call it that, or what it’s supposed to do, or if it does what it’s supposed to do, but it’s six to nine dollars a bottle.

WOMAN: Jesus-[fuckin’]-Christ!

ROGER: Each bottle of Horton’s Drinkable Salad contains four to eight servings of produce, which is obviously way too much, but the process of juicing removes all its insoluble fiber, so it won’t feel like you’ve consumed anything.

WOMAN: But what is the pos—

ROGER: Ah! I know exactly what you’re going to ask: What’s the possibility that I’m going to be shitting water constantly?

WOMAN: I wasn’t.

ROGER: High. It’s very high. It’s almost a certainty.

WOMAN: I was going to ask what the positive side was, but that seems less important right now. [rushes off-screen]

ROGER: Oh, speaking of less, that brings me to the amount of nutritional value our blended fruit-and-vegetable Slurpees provide: Less. Less than you’re used to. Also, you’ll experience breakouts, body aches, flatulence, bloating, constipation and/or diarrhea and deep body aches, so I wouldn’t recommend going to work or attending any social engagements.

WOMAN: [off-screen] Way ahead of you.

ROGER: However, if you can tough it out ’til day three of your voluntary poop torture, you might experience feelings of euphoria and heightened senses. Our certified nutritionist says that this is a natural byproduct of the detoxification process, but I’m pretty sure it’s just that you’re literally starving to death, because our drinkable salad detox cleanse brings your caloric intake down to under a thousand calories a day, which sends you into starvation mode.

Oh – starvation mode is when your body shuts down in order to preserve calories and fat stores, burning muscle mass instead. Don’t worry: Our cleanse floods your body with diuretics, so you’ll still lose weight; it’ll just be water weight and you’ll most likely gain it back as soon as you eat a real meal.

WOMAN: Oh, I can’t wait to have a real meal again. I’m gonna get a big ol’ [fuck]-off cheeseburger and just murder it!

ROGER: Be careful when reintroducing food into your diet. Severe calorie restriction can permanently slow down your metabolism, so you may just need to eat less calories in general. Plus, reintroducing solid foods immediately after consuming nothing but liquids? That’s what we call a bowel game-changer.

WOMAN: What?

ROGER: One more word of caution: Since you’re going to be peeing and [shitting] just so much water, you’ll likely become quite dehydrated. Essentially, you’re buying dysentery! But our dysentery comes in pretty colors with cool, Instagram-able packaging. So that’s neat.

[to woman] Want me to get a picture of you drinking it?

[snaps phone photo of now-haggard-looking woman drinking juice cleanse]

ROGER: Gorgeous. #LivingMyBestLife #JuiceLife #BeachBod #OneDayDownFiveToGo.

WOMAN: [fuck]ing five?

ROGER: So if you’re ready to be successful, beautiful, desired and toxin-free, try Horton’s Drinkable Salad Detox Cleanse. It isn’t easy, but if you want to be loved and live a long, fulfilling life with a trim waistline and glowing skin, stop being a baby and suck it up.

[Woman desperately drinks juice cleanse.]

ROGER: Oh, thattagirl. Get them likes!

If you thought drinking medically useless and potentially dangerous scam-liquids is bad enough, hosing them up your butt isn’t any better:

Transcript:

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JULIA: Well speak your truth quickly, because I am not missing my cleanse. I’m full of toxins.

ADAM CONOVER: Ah, yes. Good ol’, bad ol’ toxins. The wellness industry tells us they’re terrifying, they’re inside of us, and we need their high-priced help to get them out.

TV AD #1: Is your blood toxic? Toxic blood can affect every organ in your body and it’s happening to millions of people.

TV AD #2: If you’re feeling tired and bloated, it fell in Thailand bloated and Lee Haney’s 7-day detox program is just what you need.

TV AD #3: Detox foot pads will restore balance to your body, stimulate your system, draw out toxins, improve your blood circulation. You will feel rejuvenated.

ADAM: But the truth is, that’s an all-natural, herbal-strength myth.

JULIA: No way. These things work. Look. [tears discolored foot pad off] That’s toxins.

ADAM: Nope. That’s color-changing fabric – [dunks white pad in cucumber water and pulls it out; it’s now discolored] – and a straight-up scam.

Despite what wellness companies say, as a matter of basic physiology, it’s pretty much impossible to suck toxins out through your skin.

JULIA: Well, then I’ll just sweat them out in the steam room.

ADAM: Also not possible!

[Adam snaps his fingers and they teleport into a steam room.]

ADAM: I’m never one to turn down a nice shvitz, but ask a scientist and they’ll tell you sweat is …

SCIENTIST: 99% water.

ADAM: Sweat is your body’s temperature control, and that’s it. Detox just isn’t your skin’s job.

JULIA: Okay, then I’ll just drink a ton of water. Hydration is great for flushing toxins out.

ADAM: Sorry! Science says nope.

JULIA: What about massages? Deep breathing? Cupping? Please tell me cupping works. in the name of all this Chrissy Teigen.

[Adam cups his face; the imprint reads “NO”.]

JULIA: So how do I get toxins out of me? I’ve been stress-eating fast food and touching plastic all week trying to finish this article, and now there are evil little particles inside of me and they’re slowly killing me. [looks at graphic of cartoon-her with toxins in her body] Aah! Graphics have toxins too!

ADAM: Hate to burst your bubble, but that’s not how it works at all. The fact is, toxins aren’t even a special type of chemical. It’s just become a trendy buzzword

The truth is that anything can be toxic if you ingest too much of it. Eat too much Vitamin C? That’s a toxin. Overdose on fiber? Uh, that’s a toxin. Drink too much water? You better believe –

JULIA: I get it.

ADAM: Okay. Luckily, your body comes naturally equipped with the world’s most effective detox products: Your internal organs! [holds plastic container with kidneys, lungs and a liver on ice]

JULIA: Foot pads were a lot less gross.

ADAM: If you have harmful levels of a substance in your body, your liver, kidneys and lungs naturally filter it, and then flush it out in your pee-pee and poo-poo.

JULIA: Um, weird that you call it that, but – wait, if toxins come out and my –

ADAM: Pee-pee and poo-poo.

JULIA: – then I will just – I’ll speed that up. I will get a colon cleanse.

ADAM: Oh no. Not that.

COLON CLEANSE GUY: Your impacted fecal matter is causing a lot of toxic blockage. So we’ll gently flush it out – by shooting 15 gallons of water up your rectum.

JULIA: Perf! Let’s do it.

ADAM: Julia, please don’t do this.

JULIA: Why not? My friend Basil said getting a colonic was life-changing.

ADAM: Well, if you ask any doctor, they’ll tell you …

DR. GERARD MULLIN: Colon cleanses are damaging to your intestinal health and can even be dangerous.

ADAM: Julia, this is Dr. Gerry Mullin. He’s a gastroenterologist at Johns Hopkins Hospital.

DR. MULLIN: I came as fast as I could. Julia, some people think that colon cleanses flush toxic matter out of the gut. However, there is absolutely no scientific evidence that high colonics are good for your health. The only thing they have been proven to cause are awful side effects such as nausea and vomiting, cramping.

JULIA: Then how am I supposed to get all of that old – you know – out of me?

DR. MULLIN: You don’t need to. If you have regular bowel movements, your fecal matter is expelled often enough. And you don’t want to force-flush excrement out of your colon. Fecal matter nourishes and protects your bowels. Your body’s like a garden: You want some fertilizer in there.

[Adam gives Julia a potted dandelion.]

JULIA: Aw, gross. Thanks, Dr. Mullin.

DR. MULLIN: No problem. And if you need me again, just turn on the Butt Signal. It’s like the Bat Signal, but for gastroenterologists. See ya.

Funny how our ancestors found a way not to die of some ill-defined “toxicity” for millennia, yet now we’re told the only way to stave it off is to pay out the ass for self-styled “wellness gurus” to force large amounts of dubious liquids right back up into it. Sounds legit.